It took time to take to the keyboard and speak, but I think it is now time...
I think that most of all, I was ashamed of not being in Beirut.
I am not in Lebanon.
I am in London, cooking my dinner, celebrating my birthday, going to work for the British, looking for a new flat, and all the while, I am halved. My brain is functioning in London, but my heart is being torn apart in Lebanon.
I am glued to the net, reading up on the news, following the blogs, and I want to cry.
Last night, Qana was massacred again, 10 years on, and the same pictures, the same history. Repeating itself.
I wear my badge, it is my resistance during the routine, "Stop destroying Lebanon", it says. It is small, but it works. The guy at the check-out counter of the supermarket is reminded, the woman facing me on the tube looks on and will think of it once more today. "Are you Lebanese?", they ask. I nod, and in their eyes I know they are with us.
I went to my third demonstration two days ago, in front of an empty and unresponsive 10 Downing Street. As usual, policemen were all around, quiet yet observant, waiting for any sign of restlesness to call for back up. I approached one of them, Lebanese flag and white flower in my hand, and asked him: "Do you believe in our cause?". He smiled a small smile, and I insisted: "Are you with us? Do you believe in our cause?
– I can't answer to that, ma'm, I'm just doing my job.
– I know, but I need to hear it from you. I need to hear if you are with us. Are you with us?
– My uniform does not allow me to answer to that, I'm sorry.
– Please, I need to hear it from you...
– I'm sorry, but if I was out of my unifrom...
– Wink. Wink if you believe in our cause...
And he winked.
And I smiled relief.
– Thank you."
Every morning, I check the papers to see if we still make the headline. The day we will be relegated to page 5, with stories of the heat wave or some sex scandal taking priority on our demise and stealing our front page, is the day my will breaks.
I've added a list of links to blogs that keep me sane. They say more than any CNN or BBC ever could.